October 25, 2005

The iPod is a worthless piece of fuck. I just saved you half a grand.

The iPod sucks. This is normally where I'd give some kind of whitty introduction to my article, laced with words such as "fuck", but the iPOS is such a shitty, worthless fucking waste of circuit-board material that I'm totally speechless by how popular it has become. So let's just fucking get to it before I decide to go out and fucking break someone's window:

The iPod has always had this problem, that is, that it's rechargable batteries are virtually unremovable. Apparently the crackheads at MacIntosh are too concerned with design than making a product that isn't a piece of shit, so in the interest of keeping everything "seamless", they didn't include a removable battery access panel in their design. So if the battery stops holding its charge, which will invariably happen right after your limited warranty expires, you have to pay Apple to install a new one. Or, you can attempt to replace it yourself, at the risk of damaging your iPod.

Moreover, good news for those who enjoy long walks or like to listen to music during plane flights: you're fucked in the ass once the battery dies. You can't change the battery out for a fully charged one, and charge both when you get home, because you can't change the battery period. Until you get to a charger, you're stuck talking to some annoying dipshit who won't shut up sitting in the seat next to you.

And they keep getting smaller and smaller, but the shit they cram into it just gets more and more extensive. So the dumbasses say, "OH KEWL DEY GOT SUM SMART PPL IN DERE DAT DEY KEN PUT DAT SHIT IN2 SUCH A SML SP8CE LOL". Actually, no. The shit doesn't get smaller, they just allow less and less space; everything is closer together. So if you bump your iPod, because of the clsoe proximity, the slightest dent could seriously damage it. Nice going, you dumbfucks at Apple. Make them piss their pants in amazement AND make them buy more of your bullshit when the bullshit they've got breaks.

The new iPod has video. That's not an option, it has video. If you get an iPod, it's going to have video. What a stupid fucking idea anyway. I'm going to laugh so hard at the dumbasses walking around holding their new iPods three inches from their face, trying to watch the incredibly tiny screen. Nice going, Apple, keep boasting about your iPod's tiny size, because the dumbasses are never going to realize that a small iPod means the screen is going to be the size of a lobotamy patient's frontal lobe. What better way to tell the world, "I'm a fucking asshole with the intelligence of a chipmunk! Here, take my iPod, I'm practically giving it to you!"?

If you don't want to detach yourself from the rest of society by rendering yourself completely oblivious with the assistance of a video iPod (not that most people need help being oblivious anyway), you can always hook it up to a TV screen and prepare for a blast from the past, when your picture is made up of pixels no less than three inches square. I have to admit, adding video to the iPod/iTunes is a brilliant way of catching missed episodes... unless, of course, you get a DVR, which is less expensive, records at a much higher resolution, and you don't have to pay 2 bucks for each fucking episode.

Speaking of iTunes, holy fucking shit. IPods will not work with any other media player other than iTunes. Apple does this so that people will slowly abandon Microsoft. But at the same time, they piss off EVERYONE. Great fucking job. ITunes, just like every other dog shit Mac program, is fucking invasive on PCs. It deposits tons of shit you didn't ask for and is impossible to uninstall. So, basically you have shit on your PC that you don't want there. In my book, that classifies as a virus. (yes, no shit you can get the music other ways, but you have to convert and export it with iTunes, so get bent)

And just so you know, it's not like the iPod is the only hard drive media player out there. There are plenty of others out there that also support multiple programs. Also, I don't give a flying fuck how great you think this iTunes shit is, because what's even worse then the iTunes bullshit is the fact that you have no choice but to use it. I hate iTunes and a great deal of others hate it as well.

Let's hear it from some satisfied customers:


And another:

Two more generations and you'll be able to fit an iPod in your rectum... comfortably.

324,145 dumbasses are going to buy their own iPod to test my theory, not realizing that I am always right.

October 9, 2005

Piece of shit Computer.

Piece of shit Computer


You! Hack!

If you're still suffering from that virus

If you still run like a piece of shit

The 1337357 h4><0r... DDoS! DDoS! DDoS!

In the era of electronic warfare, h4><or, Computer!
Piece of shit Computer! Computer!


You! Suck!

Towards the hell of pissed off programmers, crash Computer!
Piece of shit Computer! Computer!


Lol, internet. It is the new home for pathetic losers who need lives.

A bunch of n00b l4m3rz at ISP three have called themselves the h4><0rs of Xeon and have started DDoSing and otherwise h4><0ring people's shit everywhere.

Warfare today is done by large boxes with chips in them, known as "Pieces of shit". The h4><0rs of Xeon have already produced a h4><0r-ready version of the piece of shit. Now the Federation has, too, produced their own piece of shit, called the "Computer".

One of their actions led to the h4><0ring of an entire ISP. People have started to ph34r their own deed.

* Denim sets mode: +m-v Slender

<Sender> (cannot send to channel)

<Gene> lol n00bs... There isn't an IRCOP or firewall to be seen.

<Fraw> Amuro! Aww, he hasn't even run Windows update yet! Amuro!

<Amuro> go away, b17ch, I'm trying to set up linux here.

<Fraw> Give it up Amuro, you're never going to be 1337! Just run Windows update so we can cyber!

<Fraw> o noes, we have to get our firewalls up!

<Amuro> what for?

<Fraw> Don't you ever read global messages?

<Fraw> Hayato111! WTF? You were in the channel, you should have told him1

<Gene> hey, let's h4><0r them!

<Denim> Gene: wait! Our orders are just to copy their w4r3z over, nothing malicious!

<Gene> Denim: wtf? if I do this we'll get our kernels upgraded!

<Denim> Gene: Don't make me DDos you!

<Gene> You wouldn't DDoS your own, now, would you? ha, that's what I thought.

*hackety hack*

<Amuro> What's this? The federation's new piece of shit? They call it... Computer... Awesome! It has five times the RAM!

<Gene> WTF! I hit some kind of script!

<Denim> What? I thought they were just unfinished scripts.

*hackety hack*

<Gene> My DDoS didn't even scratch it! I'm going to destroy you no matter how strong your firewall is!

*hackety hack*

<Denim> j00 lam3r! j00 h4><0r3d Gene!

<Amuro> If I DDos this d00d, ISP 7 will be wiped out! Now if I just - WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!! THIS PIECE OF SHIT JUST CRASHED ON ME!

*ISP 7 is destroyed*

* Now talking in #white-base

<@Bright> since j00 pwn the Computer, j00 have to h4><0r the Xeon.

<Amuro> D00d, wtf?

<@Bright> j00 will do it or I'll transfer your service back to ISP 7.

*hackety hack*

<Amuro> I've got you now, Char! - Ahh fuck! It crashed again!!111

* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<Amuro> This fucking piece of shit!

<Hayato> d00d, j00 should try upgrading to Windows YQ.

*pirate pirate pirate*

*burn burn burn*


* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<%Mirai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> I pwnz da Computer! I gots da biggest e-pen0r evar!

<Amuro> Let's see if that worked.

*hackety hack*

<Char> l0lz, ur gunna fall in2 da FBI's netwark and ur gunna get caught

<Amuro> Oh shit! The FBI is going to detect me!

<Char> l0lz? hez not getting detected!

<Amuro> Hey cool! I'm not getting detected!

<Char> They made a piece of shit and an IRC channel that coul penetrate through the FBI's firewalls???/////

<Amuro> This is awesome! Oh, shit- AHH FUCK!!!!

* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<%Mirai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> I pwnz da Computer! I gots da biggest e-pen0r evar!

<~LtReed> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> fuck fuckity fuck as long as Reed's not around I don't care... <Amuro> Oh, shit. I didn't see you there.

<~LtReed> j00 get ur fuckin ass out thar n start ha><0ring!

<Amuro> But sir, the Computer...

<~LtReed> What j00 n33d is R4M, boy.


<Amuro> Alright, I'm going in!

*hackity hack*

<Amuro> AHHHHH FUCK!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!1111111s

* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<%Mirai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> I pwnz da Computer! I gots da biggest e-pen0r evar!

<~LtReed> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> fuck fuckity fuck as long as Reed's not around I don't care... <Amuro> Oh, shit. I didn't see you there.

<Hayato> ***WB***(Amuro) <Fraw> I'm getting shit speeds here. * Amuro slides his e-penis out of Fraw and zips his pants <Amuro> Try now, baby =D

<@Bright> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> PISS!!! <Amuro> DICK!!! <Amuro> OR COCK!!!

<Amuro> What a piece of shit.

<Sleggar> Have you ever upgraded the BIOS?

<Amuro> Should I?

<Sleggar> It's risky. But it might solve your problem. If it doesn't your piece of shit will be wasted.

<Amuro> I don't know...

* Sleggar (asshole@fuck.me.mirai.because.I'm.an.asshole) quit (Quit: (KILLED: Big Zam))

<%Mirai> O NOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111111oneoneoneoneoneeleven

<@Bright> There, there, it's alright.

<@Bright> XD

<Operator> Char's got a new piece of shit! It's the Xeong!

*hackity hack*

<Amuro> AHH FUCK! THAT'S IT! I'M UPGRADING THE BIOS!!!!!!!1111111111


(BOOT Failure: system halted)

*newtype shit*

Notice: Amuro: stop h4><0ring, everyone!

<Amuro> Please try to understand, Lalah. I can play with j00 anytime.


The war is over. The end.

<Fukuda> Just kidding, the Computer wasn't destroyed after all. <_<

(Based on a true story. PS. the BIOS update didn't fail after all, but my computer is still crashing...)