August 16, 2008

Going to an amusement park? Make sure there isn't a Jonas Brothers concert going on.

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went to Darien Lake. It was a nice day out and she got out of jury duty early and we wanted to celebrate.

It was a nice day out. In Rochester. If you don't know: Darien Lake is not in Rochester. Long story short, it was raining at the park when we got there. And a little chilly. Fortunately, we didn't think it was anything too bad, so we decided to go on a couple rides before we went to the water park, to see if it warmed up first.

Instead, we decided right off the bat to go on the raft ride, and we subsequently spent the rest of the cloudy, freezing day in soaking wet clothes.

Making matters worse, when I pulled into the park they asked us if we were going to the concert. Fuck, I thought, there's a concert going on? The place is packed. Well at least we'll have a fun crowd. We followed the guys who told us where to park. They put us way in there. No problem, we'll just get on all the rides while the concert is going on and just leave before it lets out, which we figure can't be much before 11 PM.

There is no party crowd. 90% of the park is female and under the age of 16.

Everyone has on shirts that say "Jonas Brothers". Never heard of them. Then my girlfriend tells me they're kind of like the Backstreet Boys. FUCK! That explains all the 14-year old girls dressed like hookers. They made up about 95% of the park attendance. And the screaming. Jesus Christ, the screaming. Sounded like a fucking boy band concert, and it was.

So after we got off the raft ride, we changed into our swim suits and went to the water park. We'd hoped that while we were at the water park, our normal clothes would dry (They didn't.) The water park kicked ass. They had this water slide there where you bring a big tube up the stairs and it shoots you down into a gigantic-ass funnel. It swirls you around the funnel before dropping you into a pool. Holy shit, that was awesome.

So a few hours of swimming in the wave pool (which is officially the most disgusting pool I've ever been in) later, we go and get changed again so we can go on the rides. But now it's getting dark out and our clothes are soaking wet because of when we went on the raft ride. (That didn't seem like a bad idea at the time...)

So we went on a few more rides and dried off. The Mind Eraser was fucking awesome. We weren't wet and cold anymore. The Viper kicked ass. Everything was great.

Then we went to leave.

We were figuring the concert wouldn't let out until 11. But we figured that for a normal concert, not one whose primary audience has a curfew. We walked across a sea of people and got to our car. And then we spent an hour staring at the car in front of us. I've never seen so many soccer-mom-mobiles before.

We waited in line for about twenty minutes and didn't move an inch. So I just pulled into a parking spot and shut the car off. A couple other guys got the same idea. Only their idea of passing the time was to get drunk and have a tailgate party right there in the parking lot. And instigating honking matches.

About an hour of trying not to piss ourselves and a torrent of car horns later, I decide to scout the area out a bit. I went in the opposite direction. It couldn't have been worse than waiting in line.

Not only not worse, but a hell of a lot better, in fact. There was a funnel effect going on, but the exit on the opposite side of the park moved a lot faster than the bullshit at the entrance, which is to say it actually moved at all. And there was entertainment. Apparently one driver didn't like something another driver did, so they each got out and nearly beat the shit out of each other before a couple cops broke it up. I miss the days when cops weren't everywhere.

As it turned out, my superior ability as a driver, no doubt inherited from the uncanny navigational skills of the Pirates of yore, got us out of there in a fraction of the time it took everyone else on average. I rule.

Long story short, if you ever go to an amusement park, make sure there isn't a boy band playing. Or if that's what you're into, make sure you at least leave long before the concert lets out. And if that IS what you're into, stay the fuck away from me.


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