April 1, 2006

This is pointless politically correct bullshit, so it must've been written by an emo kid.

Here's another old and annoying MySpace bulletin that, as a service, I have translated the bullshit out of.

I'm emo, so I must cut my wrists. (Oh, not at all. I know emo kids who cut their legs too.)

I'm black, so I must be on welfare. (It's not because you're black, it's because you
smell like garbage, wear ratty clothes, and can't speak educated English.)

I'm Jewish, so I must be greedy. (If people treat you that way, you could always stop whining about it and get the goddamn check.)

I'm gay, so I must have AIDS. (How many guys have you been flamboyantly bragging about taking it from this month? If someone thinks you're going to get AIDS from it, that's not homophobia, it's statistics.)

I'm Arab, so I must be a terrorist. (The trembling and muttering "Allah Ackbar" under your breath doesn't help your case much.)

I'm democrat, so I must not believe in being responsible. (It has nothing to do with you being a democrat, and everything to do with your constant whining about how all of your problems are everyone else's fault.)

I'm from the south, so I must be white trash. (Correction: you're wearing a wifebeater, can't speak civilized english, don't even know the meaning of "civilized", have no class, smoke, and are dumber than pigshit, so you must be white trash.)

I'm a man, so I only want to get into your pants. (I thought that was universal knowledge....)

I'm a woman, so I must think irrationally. (You can't keep an appointment, you bitch over the slightest thing, you're flaky as hell, and don't make good decisions, so you must be a genius?)

I'm Native American, so I must dance around a fire screaming like a savage, or be apart of a gaming casino. (You can't spell "a part".)

I dont live with my child, so I must be a dead beat dad. (You're right, that stereotype is insensitive.... So, how many times have you been arrested again?)

I'm athletic, so I must be stupid. (I'm athletic too, but at least I don't get passes out of every useful class I'm in to go play football.)

I'm a prep, so I must eat and breathe Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister. (Isn't this the DEFINITION of prep? That's like saying "I'm black, so I must have darker skin." Jesus Christ!)

I'm a teenager, so I must drink and do drugs. (How do you explain the blank stare then?)

I drink so something must be wrong. (You're piss wasted. If nothing else is wrong, simply the fact that you drink yourself poisoned is.)

I'm a cheerleader, so I must be a whore. (Your job as a cheerleader is to wear clothing in which your entire body is visible, fondle your breasts, lift your legs so that your panties are visible, and dance erotically, so you must be a whore.)

I'm a punk, so I must do drugs. (Your eyes are bloodshot, your face is frozen in the "blank stare" position, and you smell like marijuana smoke, so you must do drugs.)

I'm rich, so I must be a snob, conceided. (You don't give to the poor and you don't spend more than $20 on gifts, even though you make billions and the person to whom you are giving the gift is immediate family.)

I wear black, so I must be gothic. (You wear completely black, paint your face white with black lipstick, and mope around all day, so you must be gothic.)

I'm blonde so anything that comes out my mouth shouldn't matter cause im just a stupid ditz. (You don't know what a fucking missile is. I don't care what color your hair is.)

I'm white, so I must be a nagging, steal your money kind of girlfriend. (It's not because you're white, it's because your face is stuck in constant PMS mode.)

I'm Pretty, so i must not be a virgin (Who cares?)

I'm a male clarinet player, so I must be gay. (The hand and mouth position is exactly the same.)

Shut the fuck up about stereotypes. If someone stereotypes you, it's probably because you fit that stereotype in some way beyond the superficial. There are exceptions to every generalization, so learn to take a joke for once and maybe even learn to dish one out in return.

54423156475 black people eat watermelon.