May 15, 2006

"Scary Movie" should've gone straight to video.

Don't ever see "Scary Movie". Ever.

I find the fact that this movie is so highly acclaimed is an unfortunate indicator of the collective IQ of 75-90% of the human population under 30 (hint: it's the same number as the rating I gave this film). I'm sure there were one or two funny things, but hell if I can remember. The matrix parody where Cindy freezes in mid-air is done extremely poorly. A lot of things they parodied have already been parodied better, and many of them are the kind of things that only need to be parodied once.

For instance, they parodize a zoom-in shot by accidentally going too far and bashing Cindy in the head with the camera. This was already done in Spaceballs, and it was done better. When Dark Helmet got hit with the camera, he fell to the ground unconscious and they went on to the next scene. In this atrocity, Cindy just backs up and fakely says "OW!" like the stupid brown-haired blonde she is. Some people may say the fact that the "OW" was fake was funny. It was not. Bad acting is not equal to comedy. Plus, she gets hit by the actual lens, which at this point looks like it must be the size of a TV screen, and obviously doesn't have that shroud around the front of the lens. But all that aside, the parody was done in Spaceballs. We get the point. Don't turn a funny thing like this into something that gets thrown into all parodies just as a cheap way to increase the lulz factor.

A good indicator of how funny someone is, is whether or not they can think of real jokes without having to resort to blatant and profane references to sex and drugs. The sexual innuendo was old before they even started it. I can just imagine some bozo behind a desk saying, "hey, I can't come up with any real jokes so let's just have the guy say 'LOL I WAS HOPING TO HAVE MY BALLS LICKED'". Yeah, that's good comedy right there. "Stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner"? Wtf? As if that joke wasn't lame enough, two shots later they've got to show Doofus walking around the house with a vacuum cleaner hose and a hardon. The drug jokes aren't much better. "Lunch isn't a subject." "It is when you've got the munchies!" How is this even remotely funny? Because it's an obscure reference to the fact that the character is on cannabis? Please. His acting is an all too obvious indicator that he smokes more weed than your local police chief, and even if it wasn't, the joke is just not funny. Someone needs to realize that just because a joke has blatant references to sex and/or drugs does not make it remotely funny. And the shots of partially naked male actors, well that's just disgusting. Go back to your fraternity, you're a disgrace to real men.

If this movie wasn't bad enough, they've got to make not one, not two, but three sequels. Come on! Three movies is the limit in almost all cases, the only exceptions being ongoing series like Star Trek and Star Wars, and series that focus on one "ultra-hero" like James Bond, Indiana Jones, and Columbo. Even the Godfather, which was a series, was still only three movies, with no conceivable reason to make a fourth. They knew when to quit. The Terminator? Terminated, after three. The way they left it, I see no reason for them to make a forth. But Scary Movie's got to pass that three movie barrier, even though there's not enough content unique to the series to even be able to carry through so many movies. Why? It's not like the cast qualifies as an ultra-hero, because they lack character development and - no brainer for "ultra-hero" here - HEROISM. If the movies were simply better I could understand three. But without adding a lot to the movies as a series, even if they were good movies to start with there'd be no reason to break the trilogy barrier.

If they were good movies I could understand three. They're not. Two was already pushing it, but I could understand them wanting a second hit after the crack high the first movie seemed to produce. For some inane reason, though, people just keep lapping these movies up like antifreeze in a dog's bowl, and the producers keep selling out by laying more of these cables on the collective intelligence (or lack thereof) of society.


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