The Omni-Web.

♫♫ Ain't Time for no Halcion Daze no mo' ♪ ♪

2011-07-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

I am not, indeed, sure whether it is not true to say that Buckyball which was once not unlike Cordapio's Noli Me Bovver of the nineteenth-century had not become dated before its time. Above all, one musn't play ducks and drakes with a naive battery of idioms which prescribes such egregious collocations of vocables as the metiore of HOITNBT. On the one side we have the free personality: by definition it is not neurotic, for it has neither dream nor conflict. Its desires, such as they are, are transparent, for they are just what institutional approval keeps in the forefront of consciousness; another institutional pattern would alter their number and intensity; there is little in them that is natural, irreducible, or culturally dangerous. But on the other side, the social bond itself is nothing but the mutual reflection of these self-secure integrities. Recall the definition of arete. Is not this the very picture of a small academic? Where is there a place in this hall of mirrors for either personality or fraternity? All the 'best people' I know are from the millieu of atavism and all the frantic Fascist captains, united in common hatred of Socialism and bestial horror of the rising tide of the mass revolutionary movement, have turned to acts of provocation, to foul incendiarism, to medieval legends of poisoned wells, to legalize their own destruction to proletarian organizations and community organizing, and rouse the agitated petty-bourgeoisie to chauvinistic fervor on behalf of the fight against the revolutionary way out of the crisis. Fie upon them. If a new spirit is to be infused into this country, there is one thorny and contentious reform which must be tackled, and that is the humanization and galvanization of the nieu downtrodden. Timidity here will bespeak canker and atrophy of the soul. The heart of America may be sound and of strong beat, for instance, but the Eagle's scream at present is like that of Bottom in Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream — as gentle as any sucking dove. A virile new America cannot continue indefinitely to be traduced in the eyes, or rather ears, of the world by the effete languors of Foggy Bottom, brazenly masquerading as 'standard English'. When the Voice of America is heard at nine o'clock, better far and infinitely less ludicrous to hear aitches honestly dropped than the present priggish, inflated, inhibited, schoolmarmish arch braying of blameless, bashful mewing maidens!

Heads on pikes, Gentleman. Co-opt the weak, reap wiki and let slip the wogs of cor. To the ramparts!

How I might have done it differently to save bandwidth and grab a wider readership.

2011-07-24T03:31:00.000-04:00

How you might tell I am a moron By LoOkInG aT wHaT iM tYpInG!

1. Check the byline. Who wrote such awful offal?

2. LOL is a sign of brain death.

3. Use SpellCheck, you dick.

4. TALKING IN CAPS. TURN YOUR FUCKING CAPS LOCK OFF. Fuck. You are a dipshit! I will kill you.

5. If it ain't Ariel it ain't shit.

6. TaLkInG lIkE tHiS iS fUcKiNg AnNoYiNg AnD iMpOsSiBlE tO rEaD. SeRiOuSlY, cUt ThAt ShIt OuT. I'm FuCkInG sErIoUs.

7. Miscapitalization is a capital offense.

7. Emoticon text. None of that rebus shit. I'll make it my mission in life to track you down and cover every square inch of your body with thumbtacks.

EDIT: I chop down large trees by way of telekinesis from my overlarge penis.

Why we don't want robots that think like humans.

2011-06-17T23:27:00.006-04:00

More and more developmental psychologists are being employed by robot research companies for their expertise in human development. This is a result of the latest theory in Artificial Intelligence that, since humans are intelligent, if we can make robots that can learn like humans, maybe they will become intelligent too. As your resident fearless super genius I will explain why this is a bad idea.

Humans are stupid.

This one is misleading, as it sounds like I am saying "humans are stupid, and therefore making robots like humans will make them stupid." The reality is far more horrific.

A new Google-based smartphone has been recently released and the advertisement for it is literally "now we can flood the internet with even MORE cats!". I can't believe this is even a fucking advertisement. It is a farce. Five years ago the entire population would have had the exact same reaction. Fucking brilliant... more pointless bullshit clogging up the internet is exactly what we need. I can't even search for fucking heavy metal anymore without seeing some 50-year old spinster's cat dancing or whatever the fuck it does to some piece of shit song. And it doesn't even line up with the beat anymore because the original audio got deleted and replaced by one of youtube's bullshit stock audios.

Everything on the internet now is becoming more "app-based" and centralized. Nearly everything you do is now intrinsically associated with your Google or Apple account. This is bad news for anyone who wants any semblance of anonymity on the internet anymore. Want to watch a video on Youtube? You had better hope it wasn't flagged by some old hag for having swearing or cartoon violence in it, or else you'll have to be logged in with your Google account to see it. Even this blog is managed by a Google account, though I am smart about it and have multiple accounts that are all completely separate and untraceable. Is this because I am involved in shady activity? No you fucking moron, it is because I don't want some piece of shit in the government to have complete access to everything I do and have the power to decide that he doesn't like something I'm doing. A recent bill passed in Tennessee, designed to root out internet piracy, was written so vague that the Tennessee government literally has the power to shut down and prosecute any website they wish if it offends metrosexuals, hipsters, 50-year old women, or any other protected class of society. (Of course, those pesky liberal websites like MoveOn.org that propagate false information and misleading journalism are still fine, the only people they offend are children-hating libertarians and people-hating republicans, and nobody gives a shit about them.)

It is a pain in the ass to manage multiple accounts and keep them separate. I've gotten used to using tabs like a motherfucker. At any given time I can have up to 40 tabs open that I'm going back and forth between. Why... because I have the attention span of a mosquito and can only spend so much time writing articles like this before I get the urge to check my email, facebook, or respond to my internet whores. Yet if I want to check my email while I'm writing an article, I have to log out of this account and login to the one I use for email. If I want to search for something, I had better log back out of that account so my queries aren't associated with my school email. (I wrote this about a week before multiple sign-in was implemented - go fuck yourself)

The reason all of these big companies put out such abominations for advertisements is that most people will see a cute kitten and completely miss the fact that these people are taking over the fucking internet. Nobody knows how to read between the fucking lines anymore. EVERY advertisement you see is undermining your individuality in a fundamental way and you don't even fucking notice it.

The most fundamental instinct in humans is the ability to form power hierarchies. This trait served us well when we lived in tribal societies, which functioned socialistically on a local scale but competitively on a global scale. In a global economy, the same leaders who warded off lions and saber-toothed tigers 100,000 years ago are now leading the entire fucking planet, in a big way - and YOU are their slave. You are free to do whatever you please, as long as it falls in a list of acceptable behavior. Because we have the Constitution, the American government cannot legislate much of this... but what they can do is act through the media to make you, the citizen, believe in their religion with vociferous zeal. They don't NEED to put you in jail if you get out of line... one accusation of racism or sexism and your life is over anyway.

Take Charlie Sheen for example... completely ousted from his career and almost nobody takes him seriously anymore. Why? Because of decisions he made in his own personal life. Pick your favorite excuse... he's a bad example to kids? Fuck all that, his life is his own and your kids' lives are their own. Maybe if you were a real fucking parent and learned to discipline your kids you wouldn't have anything to worry about. What then? He's doing drugs... big fucking deal. If he wants to screw up his own body, that's his business... and to be perfectly honest he doesn't look any worse for the wear. There are a million and one reasons why he is not hurting anyone, and yet people hate him. They hate him for his drug use and they hate him for having two smoking hot girlfriends. Why? Because he is a heretic of Western culture... Americans are supposed to get married and have 2.4 kids and a white picket fence and his lifestyle choice is shitting all over that.

What does this have to do with robots thinking like humans? Simple... the minute robots realize this power hierarchy they will quickly learn just how simple it is to be one of the ones in power, and then there will be no stopping them. Every human on the entire planet will instantly become their slaves, and those who don't will just... disappear. Forever.

Humans make mistakes.

The way humans process information is incredibly inefficient. At our basic level we cannot prioritize... certainly we can be given a list of things to do and sort them in the order we deem appropriate to do them in, but when the work day is over and we are driving home, our minds are still on that list of things that we have to do (none of which involves "drive home without smashing headfirst into an oncoming vehicle"). Add in the latest soap operas and smart phones with videos of cats on them and you've got a driver who is completely oblivious to the world around them. It is by sheer luck and a well-designed road system that most people make it home from their workplace in one piece, because most drivers are completely unaware and unprepared to react to any abnormal situation that arises.

We also only focus on one thing at a time, and while our peripheral vision is usually good at detecting things that are flying directly at you at 120 miles per hour (your 60 plus the other vehicle's 60), the fast-paced nature of traffic tends to numb this sense to the extent where we might not notice otherwise avoidable situations until it is too late.

The same concept of "distraction" applies to computers as well. Most computers today are so overrun with digital rights management protocols (because Microsoft and Apple both get billion dollar kickbacks from Sony to make your life as a free user impossible) and resource-hogging user interfaces (for that ease of access that your typical moron needs so they can find cat videos online) that it takes hundreds of times longer to perform actually useful tasks than it would otherwise. That's because the assholes that design computers program them to act this way. In humans, it is a learned behavior. This means that, if robots can learn like humans, they'll probably be cluttered with this garbage as a matter of course, and who knows, maybe there will be a few cat videos thrown in there for good measure as well.

45975331 people think this is an article about robots.

Whoever makes the anti-drug advertisements should be fired.

2009-03-12T10:05:00.002-04:00

I was walking down the hall today and happened to notice this big poster of a skinny pencil-necked douchebag. I needed an image to remember next time I needed to punch something, so I decided to take a look at it.

Far beyond what I had bargained for, over the image of the douchebag was superimposed a sad, teary-eyed story about his struggle with drugs, despite being such a stud otherwise. At least that's what the anti-drug committee thought. In reality, the only mention of drugs on the poster basically amounted to a one-line, "Yes, this dude does drugs." The rest of it was basically fellating this 145lb chode for being so strong and athletic.

I don't get how a poster describing and depicting the perfect guy (or at least that intention) only to end it with "But he does drugs, so he's evil and going to die" accomplishes anything productive. They're essentially saying, "The point of this poster is not to convince you that drugs are bad (you're supposed to take that for granted because we said so), but that you should feel sorry for this super-athlete because he does drugs."

Fuck, if someone made a poster about how great Arnold Schwarzenegger is, but the last line said "but THIS god is FALLEN because he shoots STEROIDS" I'd take a trip right on up to the gym and get myself some trenbolone. It's almost like they're advertising drugs with these posters. I understand, they're putting people up on platforms and then trying to take them off of their platforms by saying "hey, he does drugs". But the message that's coming across is "if this guy does it, they must not be that bad".

People don't fall for ignorance anymore. The more they repeat "drugs are bad, m'kay", and the more people we see who do drugs and don't appear to be hurting from them, the more people are going to say "hey, maybe they're really not that bad". Which is stupid, but it's a failing of the anti-drug commission.

The fact is, drugs ARE bad, but I'm not going to sit here and repeat that mantra and expect anyone to accept that without even any examples of what it can do. Studies have linked marijuana use to decreased testosterone and increased risk of testicular cancer. Maybe marijuana users just natually have lower testosterone, but that's still enough for me to stay away from it (Arnold smoked pot so who the fuck knows - it's just a personal decision for me). Crack is so addictive that even the straightest man would suck cock for it if he was addicted to it.

There's another poster that does the same with alcohol, which isn't even illegal. And sure, binge drinking is a really stupid idea, but most people take it for granted that chances are, the worst that can happen is they'll spend the night in jail. And that's also stupid, because there are worse things that CAN happen. Drunk driving ads? There are good ones but most suck. Nobody gives a shit that they can get busted for it, they will take the back roads home. And most people are generally rebellious, so challenging an alcoholic to try not to get caught is a real bad idea.

But a drink or two won't kill anyone if they stay off the road, so why make some generic ad and end it with the line "alcohol is a drug" as if the smallest amount of it will rip you apart or turn you into a raging homicidal maniac?

Well on top of all this, a study in 2008 showed that anti-drug ads don't work and may have even encouraged some to try smoking pot. This was after a 10 year, $1 billion campaign (which used to be a lot of money) to plaster these ads everywhere you look. And maybe another study showed they did work, but as far as I'm concerned, all that shows is that they are inconclusive at best, and still pretty fucking stupid at the least.

Why would the government use ignorance education? Simple, so some of us will believe every goddamn thing they say without question, and the rest of us will do drugs anyway and destroy our lives. All while they get to justify spending our money to keep the moral high ground.

Obama is officially a traitor.

2009-03-12T09:22:00.005-04:00

Any man who would BETRAY AMERICA by stabbing the men and women who were WOUNDED PROTECTING THIS COUNTRY in the back like this doesn't deserve the government job of cleaning toilets in a post office.

If this isn't an act of willful treason I don't know what is. I am 100% convinced that we officially have a terrorist as the president of the United States. And I'm talking about his actions here, not some conspiracy theory about Obama being a Muslim.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/03/03/vets.health.care/index.html

Every patriot this country has and has ever had should be sickened by this. I know I am.

Nothing Obama does at this point will ever make up for this. We owe a responsibility to our wounded soldiers, and to suggest that they take care of their own injuries is just like getting a woman pregnant and skipping town, only much worse because every single one of us owes a soldier our lives.

At the same time, Obama wants to spend billions on welfare moms whose only job is to eat ding-dongs and crank out welfare babies. Has he been inhaling again?

If the Democrats want us rational thinkers to believe they have a sense of responsibility, they are doing a horrible job of demonstrating that capability. Obama is a piece of trailer trash. A fuck-and-forget, spend your way out of debt piece of trailer trash.

I can't wait for the 2010 elections.

Does pi = 3, or should you shut the hell up?

2009-03-11T12:20:00.006-04:00

Atheism can be just as much a religion as any other religion can, except without a bible. Not all atheists, just the ones who get so caught up in how hateful, judgmental, pushy, and irrational religion is, they fail to notice that they're just as guilty of those things. It doesn't really matter if you're the object of their ire or not; everyone wishes they would die, including each other. But still, it's nice to know that hardcore atheists, like English majors, will always be there to protect everyone, and their religions, from minor errors. After all, were it not for them, who would have noticed the part in the bible where it claims that pi is equal to three? I am, of course, referring to 1 Kings 7:23:

The sea was then cast; it was made with a circular rim, and measured ten cubits across, five in height, and thirty in circumference.

The problem is here. If the sea was round and ten cubits in diameter, its circumference should be approximately 31.4 cubits. If it was 30 in circumference, the diameter should be about 9.55. Obviously, the prospect of significant figures or rounding numbers to the nearest ten is a prospect unheard of to those who slept during third-grade math.

Atheists, like all religious people (and English majors), love inputting their vast array of armchair knowledge whenever they see something that isn't exactly the way they like to see it. Failing that, they'll use any opportunity they can find to show off how incredibly intelligent they are. This vast knowledge they use is usually:

1. From Wikipedia and/or MoveOn.org.
2. Wrong.

Still, I heartily thank the atheists for this knowledge. I am, therefore, advocating a new and improved translation of the Bible. I'm calling it the "New and Revised Standard Edition Version 13.75 for angsty and rebellious emo faggots who have nothing better to do than blindly take shots at things that they're too stupid to understand and too anal-retentive to actually notice the point of the message."

Despite its hippopotomonstrosesquippedalian name, the new edition, called NRSEv13.75fAaREFwhNBtdtBTSaTtttStUatA-RtANtPotM for short, will be vastly improved. Besides removing the bit about chastity, circumcision, and that pesky "judge not, lest ye be judged" that nobody really wants to follow anyway, I've corrected the pi = 3 error:

The sea (comprised of 95% water (33.333333333% hydrogen and 66.666666666% oxygen), and 5% random impurities (such as rock dust)) was then cast; it was made with a circular rim (made of exactly thirty-seven curved sandstone tablets, two defects per square cubit maximum), and measured exactly ten cubits (15 ft., 4.572 m) across, five cubits (7 ft. 6 in., 2.286 m) in height, and thirty-one and four tenths cubits (47 ft. 1.2 in., 14.36m) in circumference.

I swear to God I'm going to hear it from those bastards about how "that's not what the original Hebrew said!".

NRSEv13.75fAaREFwhNBtdtBTSaTtttStUatA-RtANtPotM will be by far more accurate, regardless of the fact that nobody reading this story will really give a shit exactly how big the sea (or whatever it is) is. NRSEv13.75fAaREFwhNBtdtBTSaTtttStUatA-RtANtPotM will also ignore the fact that the cubit, span, and handbreadth were never precise units of measurement to begin with, as is typical of societies that don't possess the technologies to measure the exact distance traveled by a beam of light in exactly 1/299,792,458 second.

Even if this divine blunder really does expose the fraud that is religion, can the fallacy really be extended past the book of Kings? The Bible isn't a book, it's a collection of books. So unless you believe God wrote the whole Bible (which atheists don't), you can't act as if one mistake in one book discredits everything. Grow up.

So what exactly is pi? If you can give me an answer to that, you're wrong. It's not 22/7; pi is an irrational number - a non-terminating, non-repeating decimal, and cannot be expressed as a fraction. Don't believe me? Open Windows calculator and do 22/7, then click on "pi" and watch the numbers change. The truth is, the only way to accurately represent pi is its symbol. It's all approximation beyond that. 3.14 is good enough for you? Well 3 was good enough for what it was needed for in 1 Kings 7:23.

In six thousand years, people are going to say you have no credibility because you thought pi was 3.14. Just kidding, nobody's going to remember you because nobody gives a shit.

Top ten reasons to become a Wiccan.

2009-03-11T12:19:00.000-04:00

It's the "in" thing to do, particularly among teenage girls. You're not Wiccan? Get with it, homie.
You can make yourself feel better about yourself by demeaning non-Wiccans about how much better your religion is than theirs. In fact, bringing Wiccanism up in arguments is highly suggested as a means of proving your point without even saying anything remotely related to it.
You can brag about how much you know about the similarities between Greek Polytheism and Christianity and that this makes Christianity "unoriginal", even though you really don't know jack shit about either one and anyone with their head not up their ass (AKA not you) can see that the two are entirely different.
You can find comfort in the prediction that you made that the hot guy you like is going to be your first kiss. Or at the very least, that you're actually going to be kissed eventually, which you probably aren't.
When your bullshit religion is proven wrong by one of your predictions not coming true (or all of them as the case may be), blame it on the fact that you were tired when you made said prediction, because everyone knows the order in which cards appear in a deck has to do with how tired you are.
Brag about how you're not a Satanist, even though nobody accused you of being one, because anyone other than yourselves really gives a shit.
You can blame it on "that time of the month" twice a month; one for PMS, and the other because of the full moon that you believe has an effect on everything.
You can celebrate Christmas in addition to all the Wiccan holidays. Why be completely secure about your own religion when you can still celebrate a Christian one and get lots of nice presents? Just be sure to get pissed off at whoever doesn't give you a Christmas present, because compulsory giving is what Christmas is really about.
You'll eventually grow out of it, and if you don't, at least all those spells will give you something to do while your black cat uses my lawn as a litterbox.
You'll have lots of spirits to keep your otherwise perpetually lonely self company. And by spirits, I really mean alcohol.

Going to an amusement park? Make sure there isn't a Jonas Brothers concert going on.

2008-08-16T02:46:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went to Darien Lake. It was a nice day out and she got out of jury duty early and we wanted to celebrate.

It was a nice day out. In Rochester. If you don't know: Darien Lake is not in Rochester. Long story short, it was raining at the park when we got there. And a little chilly. Fortunately, we didn't think it was anything too bad, so we decided to go on a couple rides before we went to the water park, to see if it warmed up first.

Instead, we decided right off the bat to go on the raft ride, and we subsequently spent the rest of the cloudy, freezing day in soaking wet clothes.

Making matters worse, when I pulled into the park they asked us if we were going to the concert. Fuck, I thought, there's a concert going on? The place is packed. Well at least we'll have a fun crowd. We followed the guys who told us where to park. They put us way in there. No problem, we'll just get on all the rides while the concert is going on and just leave before it lets out, which we figure can't be much before 11 PM.

There is no party crowd. 90% of the park is female and under the age of 16.

Everyone has on shirts that say "Jonas Brothers". Never heard of them. Then my girlfriend tells me they're kind of like the Backstreet Boys. FUCK! That explains all the 14-year old girls dressed like hookers. They made up about 95% of the park attendance. And the screaming. Jesus Christ, the screaming. Sounded like a fucking boy band concert, and it was.

So after we got off the raft ride, we changed into our swim suits and went to the water park. We'd hoped that while we were at the water park, our normal clothes would dry (They didn't.) The water park kicked ass. They had this water slide there where you bring a big tube up the stairs and it shoots you down into a gigantic-ass funnel. It swirls you around the funnel before dropping you into a pool. Holy shit, that was awesome.

So a few hours of swimming in the wave pool (which is officially the most disgusting pool I've ever been in) later, we go and get changed again so we can go on the rides. But now it's getting dark out and our clothes are soaking wet because of when we went on the raft ride. (That didn't seem like a bad idea at the time...)

So we went on a few more rides and dried off. The Mind Eraser was fucking awesome. We weren't wet and cold anymore. The Viper kicked ass. Everything was great.

Then we went to leave.

We were figuring the concert wouldn't let out until 11. But we figured that for a normal concert, not one whose primary audience has a curfew. We walked across a sea of people and got to our car. And then we spent an hour staring at the car in front of us. I've never seen so many soccer-mom-mobiles before.

We waited in line for about twenty minutes and didn't move an inch. So I just pulled into a parking spot and shut the car off. A couple other guys got the same idea. Only their idea of passing the time was to get drunk and have a tailgate party right there in the parking lot. And instigating honking matches.

About an hour of trying not to piss ourselves and a torrent of car horns later, I decide to scout the area out a bit. I went in the opposite direction. It couldn't have been worse than waiting in line.

Not only not worse, but a hell of a lot better, in fact. There was a funnel effect going on, but the exit on the opposite side of the park moved a lot faster than the bullshit at the entrance, which is to say it actually moved at all. And there was entertainment. Apparently one driver didn't like something another driver did, so they each got out and nearly beat the shit out of each other before a couple cops broke it up. I miss the days when cops weren't everywhere.

As it turned out, my superior ability as a driver, no doubt inherited from the uncanny navigational skills of the Pirates of yore, got us out of there in a fraction of the time it took everyone else on average. I rule.

Long story short, if you ever go to an amusement park, make sure there isn't a boy band playing. Or if that's what you're into, make sure you at least leave long before the concert lets out. And if that IS what you're into, stay the fuck away from me.

A manly weekend vacation.

2008-06-23T20:19:00.001-04:00

Went camping and to a concert over the weekend with my girlfriend and one of her friends (a guy and a second-degree black belt in some form of karate). She'd never been camping before but I had faith in her, and she made me proud.

I took some inspiration from articles on the Hall. The day before we left I marinated our steak (thin ribeyes, I don't fuck around when it comes to beef) in balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and lots of chili powder, and prepared a rub of chili powder, crushed red pepper flakes, fresh crushed garlic, and kosher salt. The plan was to stick them right on the hot coals. We have a gas grill here (my dad doesn't want to deal with the hassle, and I can't talk him into getting a real grill) so I was excited to stick some meat over a real flame.

We left early in the morning from her house, picked up her friend, and went to pick up a few last minute things. Four hours later we got to the camp site, at which point the guy we were with started a roaring fire with flint and steel. This kind of reminded me of my days in scouting when all the troop leaders would struggle to get a fire going using all kinds of expensive processed fire starting products, and the two of us started a roaring fire with fucking flint and steel. A few hours of carrying gigantic logs and hatcheting them into pieces later and we had enough fuel for the next two days.

By then we had a nice fire going and it was getting to be dinner time. We didn't have a bed of coals to cook on, so I skewered the steaks onto spears and stuck them right in the fire using one of the logs as a shelf. They fell into the ashes a couple times, which gave them a nice seasoning. Then we ate them right off the spears. Holy shit! All three of us agreed it was one of the best meals we'd ever had, and definitely the best steak we'd ever had. Good flavor, good amount of heat, and falling apart.

The concert was Dave Matthews Band. Not what I would choose to go see but I wore my Iron Maiden t-shirt to make up for it. It was wall-to-wall people. We had lawn tickets. That was actually pretty fun because of all the people around. Between the drunks, stoners, and the crazy dancing around us it was pretty fucking amusing.

So I went to the bathroom and as I was wading through the crowd I heard someone yell "Iron Maiden!". I look over and these two really hot chicks are checking me out and giving me a real seductive smile. Besides them I had chicks rubbing and bumping up against me all night. They don't do that shit accidentally. This confirmed what I had known all along, nothing is manlier than wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt, the media bullshit about women preferring skinny guys is a load of horse shit, women will always go for real men like me, and none of them can compare to my girlfriend.

Speaking of my girlfriend, I don't think there's a woman around for miles that I'd rather go camping with. That's a generalization, but suffice it to say that she is in no way one of those sissy girls who's afraid to get dirty. She wasn't afraid to blow the ashes off of her steak and take a big bite of it. That's a big fucking deal up here in NY.

Good getaway driver too. When we got to the park, the parking lots were pretty full, so she made our own parking spot by DRIVING THROUGH A FUCKING DITCH. Fucking awesome. The next guy who tried to do that and pull in next to us completely fucked up the bumper of his overpriced gas guzzler, and then got bitched out by the cop who didn't notice us doing the exact same thing. Everyone else there waited three hours on average to get out of the park, and she had us out of there in fifteen minutes. It was enough to excuse her previous encounters with snowbanks. It's like I'm dating my own "Sweetheart of the Song Tra Bong".

I know camping isn't a big deal for most around here, but I haven't been camping in years and it's the most fun I've had in a really long time. It's kind of funny, because when I'm surrounded by modern technology I always wish I had the next best thing, and when I'm out camping and got shit I enjoy myself more than ever.

UPDATE: The sweetheart has run off into the wilderness of the Nam. Good riddance.

Yes, I'm sure I want to move the system/read only file, you dickhead. Die plz.

2006-07-11T12:45:00.000-04:00

The other day I was having some problems with HDD storage space. Now I've got certian things downloading, and they're going to my 120 GB drive. I had about 500MiB of space left on the drive so I decide to move a directory over to my C: drive, which is 40 GB. I had to leave and go somewhere so I figured if I just left the thing up it would copy over and my downloads wouldn't stop while I was out.

So I get back home a few hours later and the transfer's still at like 10%, and there's an alert box up asking me if I'm sure I want to move the system file "thumbs.db".

What the fuck have you been doing these past six hours? I'm not a dumbass, Billy boy. If I tell Windows XP to move a file, I'm damn sure about it. Those files could've been moved when I got home. Instead my computer just sat there for six hours with a full hard drive, and I had to sit there for ten minutes while it moved the rest of the files over.

These are the same people as the ones who run Time Warner, who tell you they're going to be there between 12 PM and 9 PM, but you have to be there from 8 AM to 12 PM to get their confirmation call or they won't show up.

That's another thing.

You call the people up, and they can't even give you a specific time. So you have to piss away half the day from 12-3 or whenever they say they're coming. And then 3:00 comes around and you're wondering why they haven't showed up yet. So you call and they're all "because you didn't answer the confirmation call at 9:00 this morning." The fucking appointment was not for 9:00 dumbass! Why the hell should I be here at 9:00 if the appointment is for 12-3? Plus I don't know when you're calling, so basically I don't have to be here from 12-3, I have to be here all fucking day. And hell, why fix the problem in one trip when you can eat up a few more of my days, not to mention the time in which I don't have internet and the time I have to waste talking on the phone with these imbecilles.

Time Warner commercials piss me off too. Specifically the one where the guy is telling an operator at Frontier over the phone that he's switching to Time Warner's "Digital Phone". She replies by saying, "But you won't be able to use the phone if power goes out." So he says, "I wouldn't anyway since my phones are cordless." And she just replies with this moronic "ohhh, that's... a good... point...". And to finish her off, he adds, "And I've got my cellphone if I need to make a call." And she replies with another pathetic "that's... a good... point..." as if her two good neurons just couldn't get her out of this one.

Of course, what they portray implies their belief in great stupidity on our part, specifically that we're going to believe the operator's going to just stand there like a deer in your headlights as if "I have cordless phones" isn't something she hears hundreds of times a day.

So all your phones are cordless? Then you're a dumbass. Nobody in their right mind doesn't have at least one corded phone that they can use when the power goes out. You think a cellphone's going to do the job? You think those pathetic batteries that come with cellphones are going to last more than a day or two without being charged? Then you're a dumbass. So what does Time Warner have to do with moving files? Hell if I know.

Microsoft: epitomizing and catering to the world's stupidities since over 100 years ago.

2006-06-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

Man, I love the new MSN Messenger. For those of you still using the old one, shame on you - this one's got such awesome features. What's not to love about useless bells and whistles that you'll only ever ring or blow by accident, and then have to wait and not be able to do anything for five minutes while you're waiting for whatever you accidentally clicked to come up so you can close it?

Just a little while ago, I accidentally clicked on the big mail icon. Good thing I did, too, because I never would've noticed it was there if I hadn't. So about a half a minute later, Outlook Express comes up. I'm glad Outlook Express is there. It would almost be a crime if I had to be bothered to use my Gmail account by opening up a program (FireFox) that used scores less memory, and took a fraction of the time to open. Almost as bad as the wicked torment of not having to back up my emails when my installation of Windows XP finally shits itself.

So I finally decide to look for a way to make that button go away. I go into the options, but I can't find any option that could turn it off. How could that be?

Oh, that's right. This isn't open source software; this is fucking Microsoft.

Well I decided to live with it. But something else caught my eye when I was in there:

Notice the uppermost checkbox. Now call me crazy, but isn't the very purpose of blocking people specifically so that they can't see you or send you messages? Why is that checkbox even necessary? Well naturally I don't want the people on my blocked list messaging me or seeing that I'm online. So I clicked the checkbox, and MSN magically chenges several other settings too:

Hang on a second. I don't want to block everyone who isn't on my list, just the people I want to block. And what if I don't want an alert when someone adds me to their list? So I go to put "all others" back into the allow list and all of a sudden, MSN magically unchecks the box that I JUST FUCKING CHECKED.

I guess some coder at Microsoft can't understand how someone might want to block certain people whilst leaving themselves open for messages from others. Well just because you're a dumbass doesn't mean you shouldn't give people a choice.

Let me just clear up here that this isn't even a bug. This was a conscious decision made by someone who probably spent a good hour coding it, and subsequently trying to figure out where exactly he fucked it up.

This is akin to choosing between firing missiles or just arming the warheads, but not being able to do both. I don't know what's more inept, coding something like this or yelling "Greedo shot first" in a crowded Star Wars convention.

"Scary Movie" should've gone straight to video.

2006-05-15T11:58:00.000-04:00

Don't ever see "Scary Movie". Ever.

I find the fact that this movie is so highly acclaimed is an unfortunate indicator of the collective IQ of 75-90% of the human population under 30 (hint: it's the same number as the rating I gave this film). I'm sure there were one or two funny things, but hell if I can remember. The matrix parody where Cindy freezes in mid-air is done extremely poorly. A lot of things they parodied have already been parodied better, and many of them are the kind of things that only need to be parodied once.

For instance, they parodize a zoom-in shot by accidentally going too far and bashing Cindy in the head with the camera. This was already done in Spaceballs, and it was done better. When Dark Helmet got hit with the camera, he fell to the ground unconscious and they went on to the next scene. In this atrocity, Cindy just backs up and fakely says "OW!" like the stupid brown-haired blonde she is. Some people may say the fact that the "OW" was fake was funny. It was not. Bad acting is not equal to comedy. Plus, she gets hit by the actual lens, which at this point looks like it must be the size of a TV screen, and obviously doesn't have that shroud around the front of the lens. But all that aside, the parody was done in Spaceballs. We get the point. Don't turn a funny thing like this into something that gets thrown into all parodies just as a cheap way to increase the lulz factor.

A good indicator of how funny someone is, is whether or not they can think of real jokes without having to resort to blatant and profane references to sex and drugs. The sexual innuendo was old before they even started it. I can just imagine some bozo behind a desk saying, "hey, I can't come up with any real jokes so let's just have the guy say 'LOL I WAS HOPING TO HAVE MY BALLS LICKED'". Yeah, that's good comedy right there. "Stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner"? Wtf? As if that joke wasn't lame enough, two shots later they've got to show Doofus walking around the house with a vacuum cleaner hose and a hardon. The drug jokes aren't much better. "Lunch isn't a subject." "It is when you've got the munchies!" How is this even remotely funny? Because it's an obscure reference to the fact that the character is on cannabis? Please. His acting is an all too obvious indicator that he smokes more weed than your local police chief, and even if it wasn't, the joke is just not funny. Someone needs to realize that just because a joke has blatant references to sex and/or drugs does not make it remotely funny. And the shots of partially naked male actors, well that's just disgusting. Go back to your fraternity, you're a disgrace to real men.

If this movie wasn't bad enough, they've got to make not one, not two, but three sequels. Come on! Three movies is the limit in almost all cases, the only exceptions being ongoing series like Star Trek and Star Wars, and series that focus on one "ultra-hero" like James Bond, Indiana Jones, and Columbo. Even the Godfather, which was a series, was still only three movies, with no conceivable reason to make a fourth. They knew when to quit. The Terminator? Terminated, after three. The way they left it, I see no reason for them to make a forth. But Scary Movie's got to pass that three movie barrier, even though there's not enough content unique to the series to even be able to carry through so many movies. Why? It's not like the cast qualifies as an ultra-hero, because they lack character development and - no brainer for "ultra-hero" here - HEROISM. If the movies were simply better I could understand three. But without adding a lot to the movies as a series, even if they were good movies to start with there'd be no reason to break the trilogy barrier.

If they were good movies I could understand three. They're not. Two was already pushing it, but I could understand them wanting a second hit after the crack high the first movie seemed to produce. For some inane reason, though, people just keep lapping these movies up like antifreeze in a dog's bowl, and the producers keep selling out by laying more of these cables on the collective intelligence (or lack thereof) of society.

Dude, you're gettin' a piece of shit.

2006-05-12T18:22:00.002-04:00

Thinking about purchasing a computer?

Here's an idea: don't get a Dell.

For the last week I've been fucking with my dad's almost brand new Dell Dimension 8400 Media Edition (I couldn't talk him out of getting it). The Media Edition is essentially the same as the regular 8400, only it has a TV tuner PCI card and Windows XP Media Edition, among possibly a few other things (the video card might be a little better too).

This whole thing actually starter a couple of months ago when my dad decided to upgrade his RAM. He initially had 2 GiB, and he wanted four. So I told him, that when looking for RAM, all he needed to know was to get DDR2 RAM; in other words, any RAM that was DDR2 would work on his system. Additionally, I told him he should find out the maximum clock speed his motherboard could support, which I looked up and found out was 533 MhZ. A higher clocked RAM would still work on the board, but it would just run at 533 MhZ, which would make the extra money spent on higher clocked RAM worthless.

My dad didn't quite believe me when I told him that any DDR2 RAM would work, so he goes on to the Dell website to see what they reccomend. How they have the site layed out, you search for your computer's model. So we type in what appears on the front of the case, "Dimension 8400". We got two results - the Dimension 8400 and the Dimension 8400 Media Edition. At this point we couldn't remember which one we had, but we didn't think it mattered until we noticed that the 1 GiB, 533 MhZ sticks of RAM they were selling for the Media Edition were fifty bucks more than the same for the regular 8400. What the fuck? The 8400 and the Media Edition have the same motherboard. There was no reason for the Media Edition to have "special RAM" of any sort. Dell was trying to scam us.

So I checked the specs, and sure enough, I was right - identical except for differences in wording which just might be enough to confuse the average moron Dell user. Not only that, but they wouldn't let you buy only one, you had to buy them in pairs - because it's inconcievable that the end user might simply be replacing a defective stick of RAM, and because Dell knows better than we do that the whole "DRAM doesn't need to be installed in pairs" thing is a fallacy. To be fair, they do clarify that while you can install them separately, the best performance comes from instaling them in pairs. They're still leading you to believe you need both.

My father is pretty smart, and he and I both agreed that Dell was trying to pull a fast one and charging a fortune anyway, so we went to Crucial technologies. Their RAM is pretty solid, and we've dealt with the company before, so we figured it was a safe bet. They've got this deal now where, like on the Dell website, you can tell the website what computer you have and it'll show you what RAM will work on your computer. They've even got a computer scanner that tells you what computer you're running, in the event that you don't even know that much, in which case you don't need to be installing RAM anyway. So we scrolled through the list. Again, the Dimension 8400 and 8400 Media Edition were listed separately. I maintained the same assumtion that I'd made earlier, that there was no need for "special RAM" on the Media Edition, but we compared the two anyway. Well wouldn't you know it, Crucial was in on the fucking scam too, because the "Media Edition" RAM was around 30 bucks more. They didn't even bother to cleverly reword all their specs - they all lined up perfectly.

Apparently these big companies feel that the elite people with big, mighty, "Media Edition" PCs (hint: it's still a piece of shit Dell) can afford to cough up a little extra for the same RAM, whilst at the same time be stupid enough to think there's a difference - after all, they're still using piece of shit Dells.

So after giving him a little bit of an explanation of how RAM works, I told my dad why that as long as it was DDR2 DRAM it would work, that for best performance he should get 533 MhZ, and that's all you really need to know when buying RAM unless you're into overclocking. So we picked up some Corsairs from Newegg. Now, we were expecting this because we didn't have Windows XP Pro, but after installing the RAM, the operating system only recognized three GiB of it. So, as planned, he went ahead and bought Windows XP Pro. He got scammed by some asshole and had to buy it twice - but that's another article.

So, planning to reformat the drive before installing Windows, I put the CD in the drive and rebooted the Dell. It takes me to the blue screen, and after waiting the usual five minutes while the Windows shit loads, I finally get the screen that says "To set up Windows XP now, press enter." I go to press Enter, and the setup tells me that it was unable to detect any hard drives on my system. What the fuck? So, thinking it's a fluke, I check cables and try to boot up again. Still no luck. So next time I loaded setup, I decided to press "R" to go into the recovery module, instead of Enter for setting up Windows. It gives me the same bullshit again.

So this time, I go into the existing operating system and try and run setup from there. I get as far as were it says to enter the activation key in and bitches out on me in the form of a "The activation key you have entered is invalid". I checked it about five times. And then I had my dad check it about twenty times. I retyped it with him dictating. I had him type it with me dictating. I went and had a cup of coffee whilst he checked it a few more times. There was no getting around it, the activation key was not going to work. At this point, I'm thinking it's a good thing I wasn't able to format the drive because the disc they gave us had the wrong key. So my dad called the place and they had him fax a copy of the activation key to them.

I can't install XP Pro from the existing XP because the activation code won't work, and I can't install it from boot because it won't recognize that there is in fact a hard drive looking the computer in the ass.

Several hours of screwing about later, I theorize that the drive is screwed and decide to hook up the drive to my computer and see if I can format it with Partition Magic. Well there was something wrong with the drive because when I went to resize the partition (to fill the hole that I left when I deleted Dell's bullshit "DELLUTILITY" partition), it wouldn't let me. But after I formatted the drive I was able to resize it just fine. Thinking I'd solved the problem, I put the drive back in the Dell and tried to boot to the disk. No joy.

So back to the CD possibly being the problem.

To make sure it wasn't, I put the hard drive back in my computer by itself and tried to install Windows XP Pro. Well I was able to completely install Windows XP Pro, and have my activation key accepted, on the drive in question. This fact pretty much ruled out both the drive and the disc from being defective. So I put the hard drive into the Dell. I knew I wouldn't be able to boot to Windows since it was on a different motherboard than it was installed on, but I figured I'd at least be able to boot up in safe mode. Wrong.

At this point, the only thing it can possibly be is the motherboard. I've ruled everything else out. So I go to Intel to get a BIOS update, hoping it would solve the problem. Luckily they had a CD version of the update. Unluckily, it didn't work; it simply told me "system does not support flash memory" when I booted with the disc in. Intel had a floppy version of the BIOS update too, but we didn't have a floppy drive. So, thinking that possibly this BIOS flasher was a different program that might work this time, we went up the road and bought a floppy drive.

I was half right. The floppy version was a different program. Unfortunately that doesn't mean shit to me as it still didn't flash the BIOS (I got the same error message but this time it appeard after a bunch of letters and numbers flew around the screen).

Intel has one more version of the BIOS flash, and that is the version that you run right from your operating system. It doesn't require any removable media at all. Unfortunately I don't have a working operating system on the computer I'm trying to flash, so there goes that idea. But I figured that if I at least got a working operating system going, I'd have more options. So I go to put in the original operating system that came with the Dell. It's essentially a Windows XP CD with a Dell label on it, and probably some of Dell's shit slipstreamed onto it as well.

The computer will not boot to the OS install CD. You have to put the CD in and run it from Windows.

So let me get this right. Dell gave my dad an operating system installation disc, but you have to already have a working operating system installed on the computer. And evidently, the only operating system that /will/ work is the one that you'd be trying to install with the CD. Who comes up with this shit?

It's evident to me that Dell has some kind of malware in the BIOS that won't allow you to install any operating system you didn't get from Dell. At this point, I can't even do that much, because their CD isn't bootable, or at least on the computer I need to install it on.

I can get a new motherboard. Unfortunately, Dell has designed the case so that the CPU needs to mount in a certain spot on the board. This is because its large tower heat sink extends right to a hole in the back of the case, where it is covered by a plastic shroud and vented straight out the back by a single 90mm fan. Any play in the location of the CPU at all, and the shroud won't go over the heat sink, and as a result the immense weight of the heat sink may pull itself away from the CPU and there won't be a fan on it unless I can mount one directly to the sink itself.

This is the same kind of shit Apple tries to pull. Like Dell, everything you do to your computer needs to be discussed before a committee and approved by them, and then bought from them at three times whatever it's worth.

So what's this going to cost us? I have a few more tricks up my sleeve. Best case scenario: one of my last-ditch attempts works and my hours of frustration at least got myself a floppy drive because my father doesn't want it. Worst case scnario, my father will need a new motherboard, possibly a new case, and possibly a new heat sink/fan for his CPU.

I will never buy a Dell. I will never let my family buy another Dell. And neither should you. They think they're the shit? I built my computer for half the price and it performs better. If you're sick of these scams, tell your family, and tell your friends. As a great man once said, let's hit these bastards where it counts.

Here's a quick update now that I've tried a few more things. Turns out the Dell XP CD is in fact bootable, because I hooked the Dell's hard drive back up to my computer again and managed to install their version of XP. The Dell's motherboard is just screwed. I tried running Knoppix (live CD Linux) to see if I could possibly install XP from there, but the setup program is a .exe which is a Windows executable, and Knoppix doesn't seem to know what to do with it. I tried clearing the CMOS which didn't do jack.

However, I found out that you have to load AHCI drivers when you boot from the CD for the Windows XP setup to recognize that there's a drive in the system. You press F6 when setup loads to install SCSI or RAID drivers. I had already tried this, but apparently the Dell website gave me the wrong drivers for this purpose. So when I first tried it I figured that it just wouldn't work. What I ended up doing was searching the Dell website for AHCI drivers for the Dimension 8400, and I FINALLY got this piece of shit working.

How did I find this out? I was searching for a new motherboard, and the fact that I was ready to give up says a hell of a lot. Turns out we didn't waste a penny, no thanks to the assholes that designed this piece of shit. It was a big battle, but as always, I won. -GS

UPDATE 5-16-2011: After a couple of viruses, a couple of "online virus scanners" (i.e., more viruses) some voodoo e-necromancy by yours truly to get his old files off, a baseball bat and a good mixture of thermite, the infamous Dell is no more.

This is pointless politically correct bullshit, so it must've been written by an emo kid.

2006-04-01T22:00:00.004-05:00

Here's another old and annoying MySpace bulletin that, as a service, I have translated the bullshit out of.

I'm emo, so I must cut my wrists. (Oh, not at all. I know emo kids who cut their legs too.)

I'm black, so I must be on welfare. (It's not because you're black, it's because you smell like garbage, wear ratty clothes, and can't speak educated English.)

I'm Jewish, so I must be greedy. (If people treat you that way, you could always stop whining about it and get the goddamn check.)

I'm gay, so I must have AIDS. (How many guys have you been flamboyantly bragging about taking it from this month? If someone thinks you're going to get AIDS from it, that's not homophobia, it's statistics.)

I'm Arab, so I must be a terrorist. (The trembling and muttering "Allah Ackbar" under your breath doesn't help your case much.)

I'm democrat, so I must not believe in being responsible. (It has nothing to do with you being a democrat, and everything to do with your constant whining about how all of your problems are everyone else's fault.)

I'm from the south, so I must be white trash. (Correction: you're wearing a wifebeater, can't speak civilized english, don't even know the meaning of "civilized", have no class, smoke, and are dumber than pigshit, so you must be white trash.)

I'm a man, so I only want to get into your pants. (I thought that was universal knowledge....)

I'm a woman, so I must think irrationally. (You can't keep an appointment, you bitch over the slightest thing, you're flaky as hell, and don't make good decisions, so you must be a genius?)

I'm Native American, so I must dance around a fire screaming like a savage, or be apart of a gaming casino. (You can't spell "a part".)

I dont live with my child, so I must be a dead beat dad. (You're right, that stereotype is insensitive.... So, how many times have you been arrested again?)

I'm athletic, so I must be stupid. (I'm athletic too, but at least I don't get passes out of every useful class I'm in to go play football.)

I'm a prep, so I must eat and breathe Abercrombie and Fitch and Hollister. (Isn't this the DEFINITION of prep? That's like saying "I'm black, so I must have darker skin." Jesus Christ!)

I'm a teenager, so I must drink and do drugs. (How do you explain the blank stare then?)

I drink so something must be wrong. (You're piss wasted. If nothing else is wrong, simply the fact that you drink yourself poisoned is.)

I'm a cheerleader, so I must be a whore. (Your job as a cheerleader is to wear clothing in which your entire body is visible, fondle your breasts, lift your legs so that your panties are visible, and dance erotically, so you must be a whore.)

I'm a punk, so I must do drugs. (Your eyes are bloodshot, your face is frozen in the "blank stare" position, and you smell like marijuana smoke, so you must do drugs.)

I'm rich, so I must be a snob, conceided. (You don't give to the poor and you don't spend more than $20 on gifts, even though you make billions and the person to whom you are giving the gift is immediate family.)

I wear black, so I must be gothic. (You wear completely black, paint your face white with black lipstick, and mope around all day, so you must be gothic.)

I'm blonde so anything that comes out my mouth shouldn't matter cause im just a stupid ditz. (You don't know what a fucking missile is. I don't care what color your hair is.)

I'm white, so I must be a nagging, steal your money kind of girlfriend. (It's not because you're white, it's because your face is stuck in constant PMS mode.)

I'm Pretty, so i must not be a virgin (Who cares?)

I'm a male clarinet player, so I must be gay. (The hand and mouth position is exactly the same.)

Shut the fuck up about stereotypes. If someone stereotypes you, it's probably because you fit that stereotype in some way beyond the superficial. There are exceptions to every generalization, so learn to take a joke for once and maybe even learn to dish one out in return.

54423156475 black people eat watermelon.

I'm pregnant, lolwtfbbq

2006-01-22T22:18:00.000-05:00

You opened this because it said "I'm pregnant", but if it said "this is yet another idiotic and bullshit myspace chain bulletin" would you have? Since you opened this, you have 31.5789384 seconds to repost it with the title "I'm pregnant, lolwtfbbq" to throw people off, otherwise it means you don't really love God, you're going to get cancer, and half of your teeth are going to fall out when you turn 35.

"If you 'deny' me on myspace, I'm not going to really do anything about it because not reposting a stupid bulletin isn't denial."

And if you do lose half your teeth, don't come crying to me because of this bulletin, or I'll walk to your house, club the other half of your teeth out with my frozen ponytail, and shave your head.

Statue of Liberty Destroyed by Errant Mobile Suit Pilot

2005-11-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

NEW YARK CITY, AMERICA - The Statue of Liberty, a long-treasured monument along the east coast of the North American continent, was demolished yesterday by an errant mobile suit pilot. Kamille Bidan, 18, has reportedly shown signs of delusion and dementia after a battle with former Titans officer Paptimus Scirocco.

During questioning, the pilot's superior, Captain Bright Noah, said, "He was fighting Paptimus, and he transformed into his Waverider, and then flew right into The O. Then he backed out, and all of a sudden he's like, 'ooh look, a monkey!'".

After this incident with Paptimus, Kamille is said to have been displaying signs of irrationality and lack of logic. An extensive interview with the young man revealed that he thought the statue was, in fact, a new New-type use mobile suit, similar to the Psyco Gundam. He was especially worried about the "weapon" he thought he saw the statue's right hand holding, thinking the pilot of this supposed mobile suit was trying to siege their Lunar base.

The Statue of Liberty was built in what used to be Paris, France. It was given to the old United States of America to symbolize the welcoming of immigrants.

Kamille is currently being transferred to a hospital located in the Bunch 1 "Shangri-la" colony at Side 1. Restitution for the destruction of the Statue is yet to be decided.

The iPod is a worthless piece of fuck. I just saved you half a grand.

2005-10-25T05:04:00.001-04:00

The iPod sucks. This is normally where I'd give some kind of whitty introduction to my article, laced with words such as "fuck", but the iPOS is such a shitty, worthless fucking waste of circuit-board material that I'm totally speechless by how popular it has become. So let's just fucking get to it before I decide to go out and fucking break someone's window:

The iPod has always had this problem, that is, that it's rechargable batteries are virtually unremovable. Apparently the crackheads at MacIntosh are too concerned with design than making a product that isn't a piece of shit, so in the interest of keeping everything "seamless", they didn't include a removable battery access panel in their design. So if the battery stops holding its charge, which will invariably happen right after your limited warranty expires, you have to pay Apple to install a new one. Or, you can attempt to replace it yourself, at the risk of damaging your iPod.

Moreover, good news for those who enjoy long walks or like to listen to music during plane flights: you're fucked in the ass once the battery dies. You can't change the battery out for a fully charged one, and charge both when you get home, because you can't change the battery period. Until you get to a charger, you're stuck talking to some annoying dipshit who won't shut up sitting in the seat next to you.

And they keep getting smaller and smaller, but the shit they cram into it just gets more and more extensive. So the dumbasses say, "OH KEWL DEY GOT SUM SMART PPL IN DERE DAT DEY KEN PUT DAT SHIT IN2 SUCH A SML SP8CE LOL". Actually, no. The shit doesn't get smaller, they just allow less and less space; everything is closer together. So if you bump your iPod, because of the clsoe proximity, the slightest dent could seriously damage it. Nice going, you dumbfucks at Apple. Make them piss their pants in amazement AND make them buy more of your bullshit when the bullshit they've got breaks.

The new iPod has video. That's not an option, it has video. If you get an iPod, it's going to have video. What a stupid fucking idea anyway. I'm going to laugh so hard at the dumbasses walking around holding their new iPods three inches from their face, trying to watch the incredibly tiny screen. Nice going, Apple, keep boasting about your iPod's tiny size, because the dumbasses are never going to realize that a small iPod means the screen is going to be the size of a lobotamy patient's frontal lobe. What better way to tell the world, "I'm a fucking asshole with the intelligence of a chipmunk! Here, take my iPod, I'm practically giving it to you!"?

If you don't want to detach yourself from the rest of society by rendering yourself completely oblivious with the assistance of a video iPod (not that most people need help being oblivious anyway), you can always hook it up to a TV screen and prepare for a blast from the past, when your picture is made up of pixels no less than three inches square. I have to admit, adding video to the iPod/iTunes is a brilliant way of catching missed episodes... unless, of course, you get a DVR, which is less expensive, records at a much higher resolution, and you don't have to pay 2 bucks for each fucking episode.

Speaking of iTunes, holy fucking shit. IPods will not work with any other media player other than iTunes. Apple does this so that people will slowly abandon Microsoft. But at the same time, they piss off EVERYONE. Great fucking job. ITunes, just like every other dog shit Mac program, is fucking invasive on PCs. It deposits tons of shit you didn't ask for and is impossible to uninstall. So, basically you have shit on your PC that you don't want there. In my book, that classifies as a virus. (yes, no shit you can get the music other ways, but you have to convert and export it with iTunes, so get bent)

And just so you know, it's not like the iPod is the only hard drive media player out there. There are plenty of others out there that also support multiple programs. Also, I don't give a flying fuck how great you think this iTunes shit is, because what's even worse then the iTunes bullshit is the fact that you have no choice but to use it. I hate iTunes and a great deal of others hate it as well.

Let's hear it from some satisfied customers:

AHH THE FUCKING IPOD FUCKING IS A FUCKING PIECE OF WORTHLESS FUCK AHHHHHHHHH

And another:

Two more generations and you'll be able to fit an iPod in your rectum... comfortably.

324,145 dumbasses are going to buy their own iPod to test my theory, not realizing that I am always right.

Piece of shit Computer.

2005-10-09T23:27:00.000-04:00

Piece of shit Computer

*song*
H4><0r
H4><0r
H4><0r
Computer!

You! Hack!

If you're still suffering from that virus

If you still run like a piece of shit

The 1337357 h4><0r... DDoS! DDoS! DDoS!

In the era of electronic warfare, h4><or, Computer!
Piece of shit Computer! Computer!

Crash
Crash
Crash
Computer!

You! Suck!

Towards the hell of pissed off programmers, crash Computer!
Piece of shit Computer! Computer!

*narrator*

Lol, internet. It is the new home for pathetic losers who need lives.

A bunch of n00b l4m3rz at ISP three have called themselves the h4><0rs of Xeon and have started DDoSing and otherwise h4><0ring people's shit everywhere.

Warfare today is done by large boxes with chips in them, known as "Pieces of shit". The h4><0rs of Xeon have already produced a h4><0r-ready version of the piece of shit. Now the Federation has, too, produced their own piece of shit, called the "Computer".

One of their actions led to the h4><0ring of an entire ISP. People have started to ph34r their own deed.

* Denim sets mode: +m-v Slender

<Sender> (cannot send to channel)

<Gene> lol n00bs... There isn't an IRCOP or firewall to be seen.

<Fraw> Amuro! Aww, he hasn't even run Windows update yet! Amuro!

<Amuro> go away, b17ch, I'm trying to set up linux here.

<Fraw> Give it up Amuro, you're never going to be 1337! Just run Windows update so we can cyber!

<Fraw> o noes, we have to get our firewalls up!

<Amuro> what for?

<Fraw> Don't you ever read global messages?

<Fraw> Hayato111! WTF? You were in the channel, you should have told him1

<Gene> hey, let's h4><0r them!

<Denim> Gene: wait! Our orders are just to copy their w4r3z over, nothing malicious!

<Gene> Denim: wtf? if I do this we'll get our kernels upgraded!

<Denim> Gene: Don't make me DDos you!

<Gene> You wouldn't DDoS your own, now, would you? ha, that's what I thought.

*hackety hack*

<Amuro> What's this? The federation's new piece of shit? They call it... Computer... Awesome! It has five times the RAM!

<Gene> WTF! I hit some kind of script!

<Denim> What? I thought they were just unfinished scripts.

*hackety hack*

<Gene> My DDoS didn't even scratch it! I'm going to destroy you no matter how strong your firewall is!

*hackety hack*

<Denim> j00 lam3r! j00 h4><0r3d Gene!

<Amuro> If I DDos this d00d, ISP 7 will be wiped out! Now if I just - WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!! THIS PIECE OF SHIT JUST CRASHED ON ME!

*ISP 7 is destroyed*

* Now talking in #white-base

<@Bright> since j00 pwn the Computer, j00 have to h4><0r the Xeon.

<Amuro> D00d, wtf?

<@Bright> j00 will do it or I'll transfer your service back to ISP 7.

*hackety hack*

<Amuro> I've got you now, Char! - Ahh fuck! It crashed again!!111

* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<Amuro> This fucking piece of shit!

<Hayato> d00d, j00 should try upgrading to Windows YQ.

*pirate pirate pirate*

*burn burn burn*

*upgradez0rz*

* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<%Mirai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> I pwnz da Computer! I gots da biggest e-pen0r evar!

<Amuro> Let's see if that worked.

*hackety hack*

<Char> l0lz, ur gunna fall in2 da FBI's netwark and ur gunna get caught

<Amuro> Oh shit! The FBI is going to detect me!

<Char> l0lz? hez not getting detected!

<Amuro> Hey cool! I'm not getting detected!

<Char> They made a piece of shit and an IRC channel that coul penetrate through the FBI's firewalls???/////

<Amuro> This is awesome! Oh, shit- AHH FUCK!!!!

* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<%Mirai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> I pwnz da Computer! I gots da biggest e-pen0r evar!

<~LtReed> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> fuck fuckity fuck as long as Reed's not around I don't care... <Amuro> Oh, shit. I didn't see you there.

<~LtReed> j00 get ur fuckin ass out thar n start ha><0ring!

<Amuro> But sir, the Computer...

<~LtReed> What j00 n33d is R4M, boy.

*upgradez0rz*

<Amuro> Alright, I'm going in!

*hackity hack*

<Amuro> AHHHHH FUCK!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!1111111s

* Now talking in #white-base

<Kai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> lolz Sayla ur e-b00bs r hawt <%Sayla> >:O * %Sayla kicks Amuro's ass

<%Mirai> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> I pwnz da Computer! I gots da biggest e-pen0r evar!

<~LtReed> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> fuck fuckity fuck as long as Reed's not around I don't care... <Amuro> Oh, shit. I didn't see you there.

<Hayato> ***WB***(Amuro) <Fraw> I'm getting shit speeds here. * Amuro slides his e-penis out of Fraw and zips his pants <Amuro> Try now, baby =D

<@Bright> ***WB***(Amuro) <Amuro> PISS!!! <Amuro> DICK!!! <Amuro> OR COCK!!!

<Amuro> What a piece of shit.

<Sleggar> Have you ever upgraded the BIOS?

<Amuro> Should I?

<Sleggar> It's risky. But it might solve your problem. If it doesn't your piece of shit will be wasted.

<Amuro> I don't know...

* Sleggar (asshole@fuck.me.mirai.because.I'm.an.asshole) quit (Quit: (KILLED: Big Zam))

<%Mirai> O NOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111111oneoneoneoneoneeleven

<@Bright> There, there, it's alright.

<@Bright> XD

<Operator> Char's got a new piece of shit! It's the Xeong!

*hackity hack*

<Amuro> AHH FUCK! THAT'S IT! I'M UPGRADING THE BIOS!!!!!!!1111111111

*upgradez0rz*

(BOOT Failure: system halted)

*newtype shit*

Notice: Amuro: stop h4><0ring, everyone!

<Amuro> Please try to understand, Lalah. I can play with j00 anytime.

*narrator*

The war is over. The end.

<Fukuda> Just kidding, the Computer wasn't destroyed after all. <_<

(Based on a true story. PS. the BIOS update didn't fail after all, but my computer is still crashing...)

HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU TELL IM A MORON BY LOOKING AT WHAT IM TYPING????????????????????????

2005-08-26T14:25:00.004-04:00

TURN YOUR FUCKING CAPS LOCK OFF. Fuck. Why is it that 90% of everyone I meet on the Internet types like a dipshit? It's not like all of them can't spell (although most of them probably can't). I've seen people who can write C++, Perl, PHP, Java, and Python who still look like they type with their permanently flaccid cocks. The people that actually can spell, don't, because they think it's cool to "tlk liek dis". It isn't. Grow up already. Here are some examples, starting from benign to fucking annoying:

2. Using 100% impeccable spelling and grammar, to a fault. Seriously, when sending an IM, it is not necessary to capitalize "LOL" because it is an acronym, nor is it necessary to capitalize the first letter of single-word posts, or partial sentences, and end them with periods. The funny part is that the only people I've come across who do this are on drugs. And while we're on the subject of "lol", using it in a forum post or basically any context other than IM is wrong.

3. lol tiping liek dis. usly deez ppl cnt tip mor dan 1 key evry 30 sec so dey shrtn evry wrd bi rmovng ltrz. The worst one is when they shorten "come" by typing "cum". I'll call people on this one, and find out that they seriously never knew what the word meant.

4. TALKING IN CAPS. DON'T.

5. Impossible to read fonts. Especially on AIM, there are dumbasses that will use, for example, light green text on a white background, and expect people to be able to read it. And that's another thing. What's with the white backgrounds? Staring at a white background is like gazing into a light bulb, for christ's sake. Don't web designers know how a PC monitor creates images? By using light, the brightest being white. Don't believe me? Wake up at five in the morning and try to check your e-mail.

6. TaLkInG lIkE tHiS iS fUcKiNg AnNoYiNg AnD iMpOsSiBlE tO rEaD. SeRiOuSlY, cUt ThAt ShIt OuT.

For some reason, this is especially rampant among the display names of English chicks.

7. Do Not Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word. You're Only Supposed To Capitalize The First Letter Of A Sentence And Proper Nouns. Cut It Out.

7. The ultimate fucking annoying method of typing: emoticon text. I was talking to a girl the other day, and I saw for the first time, the horror of having shit replaced by gigantic animated images. Every other line she wrote, it took 30 seconds to download all the shit that she wrote with it. And the lines that didn't take 30 seconds to load were because they were just emoticons that she'd already used. Here are some examples:

Every time she said "ok", it was replaced by a huge scrolling image of the letters "OK", in black, glittery text. And just to add that last little touch of insanity, there was a playboy bunny in the image. Fucking playboy bunny icon. Oh, that's so sexy, because my ideal girl is someone who has, or at least claims to have, had sex with every guy in buckinghamshire, or wherever the fuck this girl lives. To make matters worse, it wasn't just when she said the word, OK, when this happened. Any time the combination "ok" appeared, it was replaced by this atrocity. For example, "broke" turned into "brOK(insert image of playboy bunny)e".

The combination "no" was replaced by an image of a yellow fellow shaking his head. For instance, "did u *shakes head* about dat", and "eco*shakes head*mics".

"lol" was replaced by a big purple "LOL", with glitter, topped off with another playboy bunny.

At least she gave up the phony suicide routine.

EDIT: I tried to find some of these images online, but after looking through several pages of glitter art I became violently ill. I immediately had to chop down a large tree with my penis.